Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in outsidrlookinin's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
9:15 pm	Emo. What a stupid thing. A style, and yet so mocked. I myself have made fun of "emo" people, but this is really getting pathetic. It has finally gotten to the point where "emo" has become an insult that applies to anyone that you dont like or may just be having a bad day. This is one of those situations where people astound me with their hypocracy. They constantly preach about how people jusdge them based upon taste, but they are doing the same thing to those they call emo. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
11:15 pm	Disorder Rating Paranoid Disorder: Very High Schizoid Disorder: Moderate Schizotypal Disorder: Very High Antisocial Disorder: High Borderline Disorder: Very High Histrionic Disorder: Very High Narcissistic Disorder: Very High Avoidant Disorder: Very High Dependent Disorder: High Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: High -- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
5:08 am	hmm...you know, the concept of a christian soldier makes me laugh. THere are certainly many of them in the army, but aren't they contradicting their beliefs in Jesus? I may not be religious, but I know that Jesus taught non violence. "Turn the other cheek" if I remember correctly. SO, if these men are truely believers, shouldn't they be against fighting, not in the middle of it? (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
8:03 pm	People and toleration rarely intermix. At least, that is what I have observed in my family. Peoplae seem to be very set in their ideas of what the world is and what it should be. Is that not what starts wars? People see very clearly right and wrong. However, right is just an idea, a state of mind. In any war, every person will see a different version of what "right" is. To Americans, it was "right" to go to war with Germany after submarine attacks by Germany on ships carrying American passengers. To Germany, it was "right" to attack these boats because they brought munitions to the enemy. Every side thinks that it is right. In every war, people stick to the side they agree with more, and call that side "right" and the other "wrong." The opposition is always the bad guy, and the allies are the good guys. However, that makes everything about perspective. What does the neutral party see? Well, first we'd need to find someone truly neutral. Someone who really had no opinion about anything...A rare occurance. But what would that person see? A waste of human life over a difference of opinion? What would this person think? Likely that these fueding parties are complete idiots. The sad truth is that every single person on this planet would have to be completely void of opinion for world peace to every truly become a reality. And in a world devoid of opinion, would we each not also be devoid of the emotions based upon our opinions: passion, anger, happiness, sadness, and everything in between? Woudl this really be a world worth living in? Of course not. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 12th, 2006
2:07 am	My name is Sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my Mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my Mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight. Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back >From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide >From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me. There are thousands of kids out there just like Sarah. And you can help. It sickens me to my soul, and if you just read this and don't pass it on I pray for your forgiveness, cause you would have to be one heartless person to not be affected by this email. And because you are affected, do something about it!! So all I am asking you to do, is take some time to send this on and acknowledge that this stuff does happen, and that people like her dad do live in our society, and pray for child abuse to wither out and die, but also pray for the safety of our youth. Please pass this poem on as a Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse because as crazy as it might sound, it might just indirectly change a life. Hey, you NEVER know. Please forward if you are *~*~*AGAINST CHILD ABUSE *~*~ (Comment on this)
1:54 am	Why is it that people gamble? Nothing good ever comes from it. Even teh lucky person who wins tens, hundreds, even thousands of dollars will put that much money right back into the system thinking that they can win more. A person who gambles is often lucky to simply break even and often wastes everything by trusting a game that is created to screw people over. Is it possible that these people may have a self destructive subconcious that wills them to gamble despite the obvious stupidity of it? Is it possible that a person can truely be so blind, so stupid, as to miss the obvious drawbacks? Maybe these people gain so much plesure from gambling that they have actually managed to convince themselves that the rewards truely are greater than the drawbacks. Sadly enough, these dimwits who gamble are excellent for those seeking profit. I may find gambling stupid, but if those bingo players are going to give LPAC money to pay my dues when I work, then they can be my guest. In fact, the more they LOSE the better. After all, any person who gambles will just need to live witht eh consequences of there actions, and I have no problem benefiting from that. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
8:40 pm	I know. Perhaps I've always know on some level. And yet, perhaps I've really been ignorant all these years and simply recently experienced an epiphany that brought me to a previously unreachable state of intellectual thought that led me to learn: to know. And yet, despite how I may claim to know, I do not. So much is beyond my grasp: waiting fo rthe next epiphany, the next state of knowledge. I follow a train of thought, and even as I come to a conclusion, I know that there must be more, a further depth to my thinking that, as of yet, is untouchable: forbidden by the limitations of my own thoughts. There is something else. Something that waits beyond my barriers until the day that I can fully appreciate its meaning. But I have to wonder, whne I can finally fully understand this notion, will I appreciate it for the value that it carries? Will I even realize that this is the notion I have so wanted to reach in the exploration of my own mind? Or will I simply take it for granted like so many other thoughts and let it pass? And furthermore, if that last option is the case, then how many times have I taken these trains of thought for granted and let them be? What coudl I have discovered had I taken the time to think rather than waste my time on the meaningless? What could I already know, and where could that have led me in the future? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
1:47 am	Human beings: we are the cause of all of our worst problems. Hurricane Katrina. People across the nation looked at this disaster as an act of God. Others simply saw this as an unfortunate accident. But what was it really? It was the product of our wastes that have destroyed the Ozone and melted the polar ice caps making hurrcanes stronger as they near the shore. It wasn't some "punishmetn from a higher power for the sin in the south," it was the repercussions of the stupidity of man. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
12:55 am	SYMPATHY / PITY To sympathize with someone is to have felt the exact emotion tehy are currently feeling at some point yourself. When someone is destressed by something that they are feeling, sympathy can help them to feel better: as though they are not alone in the world. However, pity is entirely different. Though we may feel pity towards one another, to show these feelings of pity can make someone feel worse: weaker or pained. However, there are attention whores who revel in the attention gained from pity and who will intentionally place themselves in precarious situations to gain the attention and pity from others. (Comment on this)
12:55 am	DEPRESSION Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes overexaggerated, it is a medical issue as much as a mental issue. Some people are truely medically depressed, unable to dispirse the perpetual sadness they feel due to a chemical imbalance in their brains. Then there are the people who claim to be depressed but never truely are. These are people simply seeking the attention of others. I can honestly say I hate these people. To make others who care about you worry when there is truely no reason for it is just wrong... ...Then again, who am I to say what is wrong or right? Has the influence of society defined this for me? or and I decided this for myself? I speak of the great pretenders...But I have to wonder, am I one of these posers? Do I do what I find so wrong?... ...Back on topic, people are constantly talking about how depression is painful and so undesirable and how these depressed people are constantly wishing to be happy again, for life to return to teh way it was before tehy started feeling these horrible emotions. However, for the most part, it is people who create depression in themselves. They think so much about a difficult moment in their lives that instead of accepting that they cannot change teh past, they dwell on it and think about everything they could have done differently. The only way to deal with the past is to accept it. Of course after a trying incident, maybe a death in the family, there will be a period in which grief is necessary to deal with pain, but after a certain period of time, varying between people, a person must simply accept what has happened and that there is no way to change it. The more a body looks at the "What if's" the worse off they'll be, and it is these people who, even years after, will feel the same pain of the death. some things are beyond our control, but, unless it is the product of a medical defect, depression is not one of them. If depression is such a horrible thing to feel than why do we bring it on ourselves? there is always something worse that coula happen, and the more often that people ignore this, the worse off depression can get. Huh. Maybe this is why some people turn to religion. They bring these thoughts of depression and sadness on themselves, and instead of handling it and facing the facts, the turn to a higher power to solve their problems for them. Human beings. What a joke. We are teh cause of all our problems, and we can't even handle this fact! (Comment on this)
12:54 am	FEAR Why do we fear? Sure there is concious brain activity involved, but why do we develop fears? Perhaps it is the only way we can protect ourselves. Maybe we are protecting our individuality, maybe protecting our physical being. Doesn't it make sense that a child who has been beaten by his parents would flinch when some raised a hand? Even if they had no intentions of causing pain, no feelings of anger? Maybe another person fears alcohol and drugs, not for their physical effects, but for the numbing of the mind, that relaxed state where there really is no control. But then the question becomes, why don't we fear? For those who don't fear the effects physical and mental- of drugs and/or alcohol, why don't they? Is there some deep psycological reason involved where, perhaps they really do want to hurt themselves? Or do they just want to lose control? Peer pressure? Lack of knowledge? What is it that causes these rational fears to only be present in some people and not others? (Comment on this)
12:54 am	GUILT-INFLUENCE GUILT-INFLUENCE When I think of this emotion, it comes to me as completely rational, unliike some of the others I wrote about. We feel guilt becuase we have done something wrong. That perticular definition is what got me thinking. What do we define as wrong? We, in fact, are not the ones who define right adn wrong, we are simply the ones who are pulled into the lifestyle these beliefs create. After hearing all our lives that things like stealing and murder are wrong, we believe it. However, those types of ideas are what make our streets safe. That is partially what keeps us from committing those crimes (apart from consequence) and what drives us to confess in the aftermath should a crime occur. However, is it not true also that a person who is brought upconstantly hearing of another idea, perhaps one not so important for safety, would also believe it to be true? and would also feel guilt for ever breaking it? For example, homosexuality. If a person were brought up all their lives being told by those that they respected taht homosexuality was bad, wrong, immoral, only to find themselves more attracted to members of the opposite sex than of their own sex, What would they do? Simply ignore their feelings and live a charade? Or perhaps they live with the guilt that accompanies betraying the belief system of their family. It is situations like these that can lead to depression. It is situations like these that can back a person so far into a corner that they feel the only way out, the only remedy for their "disease" is suicide: the ultimate escape. Their is another path to this sort of irrational idea being pounded into one;s head from birth, and that is extreme prejudism. We wonder where modern day racism comes from, and this is it. Imagine, if you will, that you are a young man who has forever grown up is his father's footsteps. He is your idol. And every day, you hear the things he says and follow his word as law. You are constantly hearing things like "Damn those filthy niggers. They shouldn't even be here. Send the bastards back to Africa." If you love your father that much, you would just accept what he had said as truth, not questioning such a thing, something to complex to argue at such a young age. Then, when you grow up, what will you think then? The odds of someone who grew up like this becoming an adult without any racisms or prejudisms is slim to none. these are the men and women who will usher in a new age of racism. These are teh men and women who will pass these prejudisms onto their kids. All we can realy do is teach children taht there really is no superior person, dipite what mom and dad may say. All we can hope is that something in these kids lives will divert them from following a similar path to that of their parents. It's funny really. Racists are some of the people that are most dipised in our nation becuase of their failure to see past the bounds of race and culture, but if you truely think about it, it isn't thier fault. The cause of most racism is circumstance. Thinking back to the olden days when slavery was still around, we were taught that people of color were lower than us. Sure some people saw past these narrow beliefs, but some couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't, or simply had no reason to. Unfortunatly, that is why when slavery was finally abolished, these men adn women had such a hard time ajusting. They had beentaught that this was jsut WRONG by those they cared about, and so the developed prejudisms against the newly freed black men and women. Prejudisms that they passed onto their children in the derogitory comments they made. And so, the chain simply never ended, the children of racists passing on racist beliefs. Few peple are truely so cruel as to condemn a race with no pupose, but many are simply to diluted by the beliefs around them to see things in their own fashion. (Comment on this)
12:48 am	HATE What is hate, really? At some point in our lives, nearly all of us will say that we "hate" someone or something when we are mad, annoyed, or frustrated. However, upon viewing the aftermath, you'll notice that this hate rarely lasts more than a short term, and a drawn out fight is usually not caused by this emotion, but rather by the stubborn pride of an individual unwilling to admit any fault. So really, is hate just a short term bout of intense anger and/or dislike, or is it possible that what these people have experienced is not truely hate at all? (Comment on this)
12:18 am	LOVE It masquerades as a sweet emotion, filling those that experience it with a feeling of completion: a feeling of elation. However, every rose has its thorns, and love is just that: a rose. How absolutely ironic that the symbol of love, instead of glorifying the emotion as icons tend to do, exemplifies love's true nature. It is love's painful barbs that destroy us, just as its gorgeous petals fill our hearts(minds) with such splendid feelings. Really, love is not a lasting feeling. Few people can truthfully say that they have had/will have only one love that they will forever be true to. People fall out of love as often as thay fall into it. This, then, begs the question: Was it ever really love to begin with? Or was it perhaps a small, temorary infatuation? Maybe it ws only lust? How many people reallly know what love feels like? I suppose it is different for everyone, since no two people will decribe it the same way. And even when a person thinks they are in love, is it not possible that they are only in lust with a friend? Or is maybe that is the true definition of love? A friend. Another person with whom you are well aquainted, who knows your inner workings. A person to whom you are attracted to not only in mind, but in body. But then, that is only love in a romantic sense. We also "love" our families, and "love" our friends, and yet these require two more totally different definitions. To feel the first definitions towards family would be nothing short of incestuous. SO, loveing a family...a deep conection? Perhaps symbolic of the shared bloodline or reminisent of a similar, intertwining path? And yet, there is still love in riendship. This is likely just any over dramatisation of a familiar feeling around ones friends. THis could easily represent the idea of a friend being as close, or closer than family to an individual due to an intimate understanding of the other's mind and thought process. Now the barbs of love. Not all love is returned. Actually, few will end up with their first love, the crush that they want so despiratly. Just because you love anther does not mean they love you, and there is no way to supress emotion, resulting in an intense pain: a pain of longing, sadness, and anger. You long to see them, to have them for your own, you feel the depression of knowing that this will never happen, and you feel anger: to yourselffor being unable to gain thier attentions, to the person that they love for having what you want (a jealous rage, if you will), and maybe even towards that person for not noticing you to begin with. Then there is the pain of someone breaking up with you. "Why?" "what did I do wrong?" "What could I have done to prevent this?" Even on the other side, being the person ending the relationship leads to guilt. You never want to hurt the person you've been seeing, but there is no such thing as a painless breakup. This person may also at some point in time regret the decision they made adn waant the other back, only to find that it is too late. The person they desire is already gone. They've found someone else that incites love, and rejection sinks in. There is no remedy for the wounds inflicted by love's thorns. Only time can help, but never is love forgotten and never can a wound fully heal, there will always be a mark left behind: a tiny scar or a gaping hole, in love, no one escapes unscathed. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
11:38 pm	WELCOME to part one of my religion series. First of all, I don't really have a religion. I was raised as a christian, but we never went to church all that much, and so that may be the reason why I don't really believe in God. Then again, I believed in him up until a few years ago, or at least I never thought about the subject in any depth until then. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped believing. Perhaps I just never really went to chruch enough, hung out with religious enough people to really feel the faith. Then again, maybe it was because I finally decided that if God was real, these horrible things wouldn't happen. Maybe I believed that God could answer my prayers, and when he didn't, I lost faith in him. I used ot pray for my parents to stop fighting and like each other again (of course I also prayed for the stupid little things like to pass a test or that one toy that I wanted, but that is beside the point). Obvoiusly, my prayers did not come true, so maybe I figured that he couldnt fix everything because he didn't exist. It wasn't until this year and last year that I started to form my own opinions, beliefs, what ifs about religion. What if there really is no God?: this theory makes the most sense to me. Man is a fickle creature. Furthermore, he is terrified of things he cannot explain, things he cannot control. therefore, Man created Gods. He created the aanswer to his problems. The Egyptians created multiple Gods, and worshipped these Gods. The Gods symbolized the sun, rain, death; there was a God for every inexplicable thing that would arise. If there was a disaster, the Gods were mad. When you died, there was something waiting for you. Then, as more and more scientific facts were discovered, these multi-god religions were considered silly. After all, we can't control the weather, right? well, Christianity is the same way. Is God not in ways like the egyptian god of death, takeing you r soul to a higher plane of existance? Is he not like the god of weather in that he can shoot lightening from the sky and smite those against him? Is he not like Ra, the great creator? It all depends on who you ask. Everyone interprets religion differently. They use it to make up for things they can't control. They use it to battle their own weaknesses. *now im tired, and all these ideas running through my head make me wish i could type more* ^^To come: morals, what ifs, and more!^^ (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 25th, 2005
9:12 pm	Every year the excitmetn of Christmas seems to fade just a little bit more. When we were little kids, or at least when I was a little kid, Christmas was the most exciting thing EVER. Now, it is starting to feel less and less personal, more like every other day of the year. When I was little, there were so many things to do: so many traditions, festivities. Now all that has faded. I remember having atleast one christmas tree every year, I remember pulling down tons of boxes filled ot the brim with Christmas wear. We used to cover the house in decorations from top to bottom, inside to outside. This year, the house never changed from everyday to christmas in any way. It was like the christmas spirit started to fade after teh dissappearence of Santa Claus. WHen he was gone, so was teh magic. Christmas became just some holiday where you;d get lots of presents. Then again, for many years it was also tradition to go to mass christmas eve. So maybe, the magic really started to dissappear for me when I realized that I don't believe in the Christian god...In any god for that matter. If anything, that made the holiday entirely superficial. We were no longer celebrating the birth of "our lord and savior Jesus Christ," we were just exchanging fancy gifts with one another. Now, I cannot deny that I love to recieve presents, but really, this holiday has lost all meaning in my cynical eyes. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
2:29 am	I don't know what happened to me to make me this way. I don't know what puts these feelings inside me. I don't know how I was corrupted or why I shy from attention so much. I can't blame my childhood, I was a spoiled little girl whose parents loved her very much. I could, in theory blame my need for attention, shyness, and overall withdrawl from society on the way I grew up: as the only little girl on my street, often playing alone. But that doesn't explain the loathing I have for contact with those around me. I can't stand to be touched unless I initiate the action. I have the constant want to avoid the *hugs* people send on aim when the want to comfort you; I just can't stand the thought of recieving a hug on a bad day. Honestly, I hug most of my friends at school...I hug THEM. I also tend to link arms with them. When I initiate contact, it's fine, but if they initiate contact I feel so uncomfortable. akward. It's like I pantomime the emotion that they want me to display. I know what is expected of me, so I initiate the contact in order to stay within the realms of my own comfort. It's funny really, as I step back and look at my actions I realize; I initiate contact to avoid contact. It sounds strange, but in initiating contact, I assure myself that they won't come back and try teh same towards me. It is teh same way with my parents. I hug and kiss them to assure them that I don't loathe them, but when they try to do the same to me, I pull away immediatly. I suppose I really am a freak. I crave to be loved, but I wont allow anybody to become close. How is it htat I can love people and hate them so much at the same time? I'm even suspicious of my friends. I guess im paranoid. It just feels like these emotions that people portray towards me are an illusion: that as soon as my back is turned, they'll attack, they'll betray me. I have no reason to feel this way, so why do I? why can I not trust those around me? THese people have remained my friends, shared my secrets, and never given me any reason to suspect foul play, so why do I? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! (Comment on this)
2:25 am	So much for Christmas. It's kinda sad to look around and realize that your family isnt a family anymore. Life at home is more of a war. A fight to retain you rown space and emotion as the people around you try to bend you to their will. In front of others, we seem to get along, but behind closed doors, any serious communication results in another battle. We each may win a battle, but who will eventually win the war? What are we putting at stake in this inner family feud? (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
1:03 am	Do you ever just have one of those days where your friends just seem to be living life without you? Like you're sitting there, but you're really just an outsider watching them live life to its fullest? Like they know some grand secret to life that you don't, and all you really want is to be let in on the secret? Like maybe the friendship you thought you had was just a joke that they have finally lost interest in? Today, well I suppose it would be yesterday now, was one of those days. I was sitting in the band room just looking around. Staley was asking about physics, Robyn was gossiping, and Brandon was losing at speed again while Mark watched. Everyone was so into what they were doing. they were all doing something productive. Something that they wanted to be doing, and they were doing it together. Friends. A team. And while I sat there, chem book in lap, I realized, I want that. As much as I wanted to be a part of that, I realized, there was no place for me amoung these people. Their teams were full. I knew nothing about physics. Robyn wasn't going to tell me about the gossip she told brandon and probably Shaina, and I was unwanted amoung the speed players. This wasn't the fist time I've felt this way. It's weird really. This year, ive had more friends than I think ive ever had, and yet I think I may feel more lonely than ever. Maybe it is because I know more people that I feel this way. I don't even know if Im making any sense, but I just don't know how to explain this any other way. I don't know what to do. There is really no one to tell. No one to care. After all, I have no one on my team. Just those who occasionally grace me with their companionship. I felt invisible. I may like to be alone a lot, but when those that I care about and who supposedly care about me feel so far away despite their close proximity, it hurts, and I really just don't know what to do. (Comment on this)